when christian teenagers get trolled on AIM aka the mike bubnick saga

taken from http://www.hiphopheads.org

and not written by me

but still funny

Some dude IMed me, apparently my screen name is really close to his friends. So he starts talking to me, asking about Chad or some shit, I got no clue what he’s talking about, meanwhile, I am feeding information over Henry Chinaski, who IMs him pretending to be Chad, and we basically fucked this kids head up REAL good.

heres my part of the conversation, Chinaski is having to piece his back together.

Bethusela: did you get it?
El Brillar: whos this?
El Brillar: identify yourself at once
Bethusela: come on man stop playin
Bethusela: shes gonna be here any minute
El Brillar: i play like tinkertoys
Bethusela: did it come through?
El Brillar: marvelously
El Brillar: slightly grainy hue
El Brillar: but still delicious
Bethusela: so what happened then
Bethusela: did you call chad?
El Brillar: political drama
El Brillar: you know
Bethusela: what?
El Brillar: chad told me the rest of the story
El Brillar: i know the type
Bethusela: wait hold up
Bethusela: what did chad tell you
El Brillar: he told me the truth, thats all you need to know
Bethusela: man i hate when you mess around like this
El Brillar: i am a mess
Bethusela: dude i am so gonna beat chads ass
El Brillar: he has CANCER
Bethusela: shut up man thats not funny
El Brillar: well you’re the one who wants him killed
Bethusela: no man im just gonna beat his ass
El Brillar: he had nothing to do with the costume ball
Bethusela: but dude are you going to kristens party?
El Brillar: that was all Lord Fauntleroy
El Brillar: obviously
Bethusela: its gonna be cool
El Brillar: sike
El Brillar: i ain’t goin NOWHERE

(this is where Chinaski IMed him pretending to be Chad)

Bethusela: dude im talkin to chad right now
El Brillar: seriously?
Bethusela: did you know he had aol?
El Brillar: yes
El Brillar: everyone knows that
Bethusela: lol no one told me man
El Brillar: you’re out of the loop
Bethusela: lol you guys
El Brillar: i have nothing to do with nothing
El Brillar: i have my OWN problems
El Brillar: like the dead prostitute stuffed in my crawlspace
Bethusela: lol jared you been smokin drugs or somethin?
El Brillar: all of them
El Brillar: i soaked in blood
El Brillar: IM soaked in blood
El Brillar: oh my goodness
Bethusela: lol your crazy dude
El Brillar: crazy like a guy who murders prostitutes
Bethusela: lol that sounds like billy
El Brillar: billy has no arms
Bethusela: dude did you see billys new car
Bethusela: the z28
Bethusela: its fuckin killer man
El Brillar: i picked it up with one hand and threw it in the bushes
Bethusela: lol jared what the hell man
El Brillar: im NOT LYING
El Brillar: its not even a real car
El Brillar: he had you fooled
El Brillar: it was just a cardboard cut-out
El Brillar: he won it in a box of count chocula
El Brillar: it was an intricate game of DEATH!
Bethusela: jared im gonna call your mom dude
El Brillar: don’t!
Bethusela: your actin weird
Bethusela: man you know your my buddy but come on dude
Bethusela: snap out of it
El Brillar: i’m just fucked up bro
Bethusela: from what?
El Brillar: ive been shooting heroin into my face all night
Bethusela: shut up dude!
El Brillar: no joke bro!
Bethusela: thats not even funny man
Bethusela: look what happend to shawn cuz of that and your making jokes
El Brillar: there is a giant grey figure in my room, and he’s rubbing myself
El Brillar: WHAT!
El Brillar: i think the prostitute might still be alive
Bethusela: j your scaring me man
El Brillar: i’m gonna beat the fucking shit out of this bitch if she’s still moving
El Brillar: what should i use?
El Brillar: i have a cane
Bethusela: man shut up
Bethusela: your making me uncomfortable
El Brillar: what…..about the cane?
El Brillar: its a pretty cool cane
El Brillar: ASK ABOUT MY CANE!
El Brillar: ASK MEEEEEE

(at this point, Chinaski told him that I was doing drugs with Billy, the guy with the new car)

Bethusela: jared i heard you were doing drugs with billy man
El Brillar: so what if i was
El Brillar: its my life
Bethusela: no man dont get involved with that stuff
El Brillar: but he has a cool new car!
El Brillar: who told you i was doing drugs with billy, huh
El Brillar: i want NAMES

(oh, also, Chinaski took a shot-in-the-dark and mentioned Mike, and the guy asked if he was talking about a Mike Bubnick. Chinaski then told me about Mike Bubnick.)

El Brillar: it was fuckin bubnick wasnt it
Bethusela: yeah thats what chad said
Bethusela: said
Bethusela: j dont even think about fightin bubnick
El Brillar: i will KILL bubnick
Bethusela: hes huge
El Brillar: im on too many drugs, IT DOESNT MATTER
Bethusela: lol you really are crazy man
El Brillar: tell him
El Brillar: tell bubnick i’ll fucking rape his eyes
Bethusela: no im not gettin involved
Bethusela: bubnick scares me anyway
El Brillar: i get superpowers when i smoke this shit man
Bethusela: i dont look at him
El Brillar: why are you so scared???
El Brillar: i thought you were my friend
El Brillar: man up
Bethusela: look man you know im your buddy
Bethusela: but come on
Bethusela: your being crazy now
El Brillar: im fuckin LOCO
El Brillar: lets go beat the shit out of bubnick
El Brillar: are you down?
El Brillar: i got some awesome drugs man
Bethusela: j what hapened to you man
El Brillar: you can become superman too
El Brillar: what happened to ME?

Bethusela: j come on man
Bethusela: where are your parents right now?
El Brillar: they are eating dinner somewhere
El Brillar: ive got a housefull of dead hookers and cocaine
Bethusela: this late?
El Brillar: they are over at a friends house
El Brillar: come over and we can both beat this fucking whore senseless
El Brillar: i got a whole bunch of coke man, its all good
Bethusela: j if there really is a girl there dont hurt her man
Bethusela: its not worth is dude
El Brillar: shes pissing me off bro
Bethusela: just let her leave man
Bethusela: let it go
El Brillar: FUCK IM TOO HIGH
El Brillar: im going to FUCKING MURDER bubnick’s bitch ass
El Brillar: hes the one telling everyone im doing drugs
Bethusela: look j your not gonna kill bubnick and your gonna stop doing those drugs right away
El Brillar: pffffffft
El Brillar: im gonna fucking KILL bubnick
El Brillar: and im aint stopping SHIT
El Brillar: im too high buddy
El Brillar: i cant come down
Bethusela: j im gonna call the cops man
El Brillar: WHY??
El Brillar: i thought we were friends
Bethusela: your out of control dude
El Brillar: so fucking what
El Brillar: its my life
El Brillar: lol
Bethusela: j im calling you right now
El Brillar: whatever bro
Bethusela: pick up your phone dude
El Brillar: NO

(at this point he CALLED HIS FRIEND to try and get him to stop doing coke and beating some girl. ABSOLUTE HILARITY. But, the jig was up)

Bethusela: who the hell is this?
El Brillar: its jared
El Brillar: stop calling me
Bethusela: no it isnt
Bethusela: im talking to jared now
El Brillar: i know
El Brillar: im typing this to you as im talking
Bethusela: who the hell are you man
El Brillar: J to the motherfucking ARED
El Brillar: im dipping my toes into this prostitutes insides
Bethusela: whoever this is you are a very sick person and i recomend you get help and stay the hell away from me and my friends!

(at this point, the dude asks Chinaski if he goes to Sunnydale high school, or something. He relays this to me.)

El Brillar: sunnydale isnt big enough to hold me
Bethusela: you go to sunnydale dont you
Bethusela: and ozzieosmosis is your buddy

(OzzieOsmosis is Henry Chinaski)

El Brillar: sure enough
El Brillar: who?
El Brillar: i go to sunnydale, whos ozzieosmosis
Bethusela: dont act dumb man
El Brillar: i’m gonna get you if you tell ANYONE what ive told you
Bethusela: look man just dont hurt me
Bethusela: i wont tell
El Brillar: you better fucking not
El Brillar: i know where you fucks live
Bethusela: i wont man
Bethusela: just leave me alone
El Brillar: im covered in some bitches blood right now
Bethusela: you need to talk to Father Joseph
Bethusela: he can help you
El Brillar: SATAN bitch
El Brillar: look out for me
Bethusela: yeah whatever man
Bethusela: i have Christ on my side
El Brillar: im that crazy guy smoking marlboro reds drinking whiskey
El Brillar: blood on my hands
El Brillar: christ aint gonna help you bro
Bethusela: thats what you think
Bethusela: hes helped me before
El Brillar: because I KNOW HOW TO FIND YOU
Bethusela: just leave me alone
Bethusela: i will pray for you and your family tonite
El Brillar: you IMed me, now you’ve stepped into an alternate reality
El Brillar: you didn’t know people like us even existed
El Brillar: pray for me
El Brillar: GOD is on my side
Bethusela: look man you have almost the same name as my friend jared ok
Bethusela: it was an accident
El Brillar: i KNOW jared
El Brillar: i know YOU
El Brillar: ive seen you dudes around
Bethusela: how old are you man
El Brillar: dont worry about that
El Brillar: thousands of years old
El Brillar: why?
El Brillar: you want to fight me?
Bethusela: no man
Bethusela: just leave me alone
Bethusela: it was an accident ok
El Brillar: sleep with one eye open pal
El Brillar: look over your shoulder
El Brillar: i NEVER rest
El Brillar: im coming……

part four:

yeah…this wench IMed bison…i talked jibberish at first, but then a lot was discovered about this ‘mike bubnick’….enjoy.

OzzieOsmosis: hey….bubnick here….
SoCcerGurrl493: excuse me?
SoCcerGurrl493: who is this
OzzieOsmosis: mike
OzzieOsmosis: did you talk to steve?
SoCcerGurrl493: mike who
OzzieOsmosis: mike bubnick
SoCcerGurrl493: yea rite
OzzieOsmosis: ??? why yeah right?
OzzieOsmosis: me and steve hang out now
SoCcerGurrl493: now i know you are lying
SoCcerGurrl493: steve and mike are not even close to being friends
OzzieOsmosis: i work with chad at uncle johns shop
OzzieOsmosis: a/s/l???
OzzieOsmosis: billy got his z28
SoCcerGurrl493: ok look buster whoever you are dont even waste your time lying to me ok
SoCcerGurrl493: i just talked on the phone with steve for over an hour about this
OzzieOsmosis: whys steve so upset?
OzzieOsmosis: honestly
SoCcerGurrl493: look whatever you said to him upset him alot ok
SoCcerGurrl493: just leave him alone
SoCcerGurrl493: tell your friend also
OzzieOsmosis: but whys he upset…can i talk it over with him or you
OzzieOsmosis: if hes upset…im VERY concerned
SoCcerGurrl493: yea rite
OzzieOsmosis: i AM…it wasnt supposed to be like this
SoCcerGurrl493: i just dont understand why you are doing this
SoCcerGurrl493: steve is the nicest kid in the world
SoCcerGurrl493: why would you want to pick on him
OzzieOsmosis: well for starters…he crossed mike bubnick….NOBODY CROSSES MIKE BUBNICK
OzzieOsmosis: and youre not getting on my good side either girly….calling me a buster…I RUN SUNNYVALE
SoCcerGurrl493: you are not mike bubnick
OzzieOsmosis: did i know about the z28? check…..did i know about uncle johns shop and chad? affirmative….who else is gonna know these things??

OzzieOsmosis: mike bubnick…thats who
OzzieOsmosis: no one is leaving steve alone until an apology is issued
OzzieOsmosis: and tell him to keep that damn father joe out of this…i’ll deal with him later
SoCcerGurrl493: if you are mike bubnick who is el brilar
OzzieOsmosis: are you serious??? thats jared
OzzieOsmosis: what did steve even tell you?
SoCcerGurrl493: thats not jared
OzzieOsmosis: jareds gone crazy
OzzieOsmosis: yes it is
SoCcerGurrl493: i know jared
OzzieOsmosis: call jared right now
OzzieOsmosis: i urge you…if you love him, call him
SoCcerGurrl493: no hes asleep like normal people
OzzieOsmosis: no…hes twacked out on speed…LIKE A JUNKIE
OzzieOsmosis: YOUR FRIEND NEEDS HELP!! whys that hard to understand
OzzieOsmosis: i saw him and billy doing drugs
OzzieOsmosis: i told steve and chad
OzzieOsmosis: no one cares…NO ONE CARES ABOUT JARED
SoCcerGurrl493: shut the heck up
OzzieOsmosis: calm down…i really dont like your attitude
SoCcerGurrl493: i dont care what you like
SoCcerGurrl493: leave me alone!!!!!!
OzzieOsmosis: i like jared….a lot…and i want him to be ok
SoCcerGurrl493: leave steve alone
OzzieOsmosis: NEVER!
OzzieOsmosis: not until he apologizes
SoCcerGurrl493: then will you leave him alone
OzzieOsmosis: yes
SoCcerGurrl493: your both going to hell
SoCcerGurrl493: specialy your friend el brilar for talking about the Lord
OzzieOsmosis: the lord is a punk bitch
OzzieOsmosis: so is steve
SoCcerGurrl493: SHUT UP
OzzieOsmosis: el brillar is not ‘especially’ going anywhere, BUT THE TOP BABY!
OzzieOsmosis: while your doing headspins and begging for change on the corner
SoCcerGurrl493: i dont beg but you should be begging for salvation right now
OzzieOsmosis: when i go to heaven its piledrive city….POPULATION JESUS!!
SoCcerGurrl493: ummm wutever
OzzieOsmosis: no not whatever….tell steve he can get some of that medicine too
OzzieOsmosis: summabitch
SoCcerGurrl493: ok look jerk steve didnt do anything to you
OzzieOsmosis: steve has forsaken me
OzzieOsmosis: I LOVED STEVE….
SoCcerGurrl493: yea sure
OzzieOsmosis: he broke my heart…now i break his face
SoCcerGurrl493: steve is always smiling and happy, and then he calls me crying because of YOU
SoCcerGurrl493: you are not right
OzzieOsmosis: steve wont be smiling for long….no no..its not gonna be all bunnyrabbits and lollies in sunnyvale when i strike
SoCcerGurrl493: look if you really know steve you know about his problems
SoCcerGurrl493: why would you tease him
SoCcerGurrl493: hes been threw enough
OzzieOsmosis: cause im the NEW problem
OzzieOsmosis: steves problems just got a new face…and his name is bubnick
SoCcerGurrl493: yea ok if your bubnick
SoCcerGurrl493: im friends with Carl Kreski
SoCcerGurrl493: now leave me alone
OzzieOsmosis: i dont care about carl anymore
SoCcerGurrl493: yea but he will beat your butt
OzzieOsmosis: im throwing darts at his picture right now
SoCcerGurrl493: yea sure
OzzieOsmosis: me and jared will kick his ass
SoCcerGurrl493: no you wont
OzzieOsmosis: like HELL I WONT
OzzieOsmosis: you forget….the names BUBNICK
OzzieOsmosis: for crying out loud
SoCcerGurrl493: bubnick your nothing but a school bully
SoCcerGurrl493: im not afraid of you
OzzieOsmosis: YOU SHOULD BE
OzzieOsmosis: wait till you see what i do to steve
SoCcerGurrl493: no you dont touch him
SoCcerGurrl493: i will get Carl if i have to
OzzieOsmosis: i’ll touch him…innapropriatley
SoCcerGurrl493: you are sick
OzzieOsmosis: carl is a pussy
SoCcerGurrl493: yea ok
OzzieOsmosis: you think kreski scares me??
OzzieOsmosis: lol….hes nothing
OzzieOsmosis: you dont even know kreski
SoCcerGurrl493: yes i do
SoCcerGurrl493: and you are afraid of him
OzzieOsmosis: i can whoop kreskis butt
OzzieOsmosis: BUBNICK FEARS NO MAN!
SoCcerGurrl493: i remember when he stole your backpack and you were about to cry
SoCcerGurrl493: remember that bubnick
OzzieOsmosis: i dont care about that…ive been working out…bubnick is strong like ox now
SoCcerGurrl493: yea ok
OzzieOsmosis: i’ll punch him in his stupid face and break it
OzzieOsmosis: then i’ll pee in his backpack
SoCcerGurrl493: why dont you try changing your clothes for once
SoCcerGurrl493: you wear the bugle boy shirt every freakin day
OzzieOsmosis: then i’ll take steves otterpops and throw it in his stupid face
OzzieOsmosis: so….you dont like my shirt?
OzzieOsmosis: i wash it
SoCcerGurrl493: i dont like your shirt and i dont like you
OzzieOsmosis: your the reason im gonna punch steve out
OzzieOsmosis: then carl is next
OzzieOsmosis: me and eric are gonna HOUSE them
SoCcerGurrl493: yea ok
SoCcerGurrl493: are you going to school today
OzzieOsmosis: yeah….what time should i meet carl?
OzzieOsmosis: when and where?
OzzieOsmosis: tell me that…then tell steve he’s next
SoCcerGurrl493: im not setting anything up
SoCcerGurrl493: but if you bother steve i will do what i have to do
SoCcerGurrl493: dont test me buster
SoCcerGurrl493: im a strong christian woman
OzzieOsmosis: i’ll have to wash the blood from his nose out of my sexy bugle boy shirt
OzzieOsmosis: i HATE christians
OzzieOsmosis: and i HATE you and i HATE steve and i HATE carl
OzzieOsmosis: oh and…i HATE jesus too
SoCcerGurrl493: then why do i see you in church all the time bubnick
OzzieOsmosis: so i can curse that jerk jesus in his own house
SoCcerGurrl493: yea ok
OzzieOsmosis: you going to school?
SoCcerGurrl493: yes i am
OzzieOsmosis: is steve?
SoCcerGurrl493: i dont know
OzzieOsmosis: its good for his health to stay home
SoCcerGurrl493: well i dont think hes going anyway
SoCcerGurrl493: the way he sounded on the phone
OzzieOsmosis: if you do my homework..i’ll leave him alone
SoCcerGurrl493: ummm no
OzzieOsmosis: YOU JUST SIGNED HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE
OzzieOsmosis: me and eric are gonna pound that TWEERP
SoCcerGurrl493: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????????????
OzzieOsmosis: cause you made fun of my bugle boy shirt
SoCcerGurrl493: everyone does
OzzieOsmosis: PEOPLE LOVE BUBNICK!!!
OzzieOsmosis: dont lie
SoCcerGurrl493: yea uhuh sure
OzzieOsmosis: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
SoCcerGurrl493: bubnick you think you are cool like bart simpson or something
OzzieOsmosis: id fuck bart simpson in his yellow ass….and you can quote bubnick on that
OzzieOsmosis: BUBNICK IS ANGRY!!!!!
OzzieOsmosis: DAMNIT……MY BUGLE BOY SHIRT HAS RIPPED!!!!!!
OzzieOsmosis: BUBNICK….MAD!!!!!!!
SoCcerGurrl493: leave steve alone
OzzieOsmosis: no….did he make fun of my shirt??
OzzieOsmosis: DID HE??!?
OzzieOsmosis: I’LL SMASH HIS FACE….I LOVE BUGLE BOY….BUBNICK IS A BUGLE BOY!!!
SoCcerGurrl493: your a jerk bubnick
OzzieOsmosis: AND YOUR A WHORE
SoCcerGurrl493: and im deleting this name so you cant bother me
OzzieOsmosis: IM GONNA KICK STEVE RIGHT IN HIS BALLSACK
SoCcerGurrl493: how dare you call me that name
OzzieOsmosis: THEN SMASH CARL THROUGH BILLYS NEW WINDSHIELD
OzzieOsmosis: oh, sister, i dared
OzzieOsmosis: i WENT there
OzzieOsmosis: i saw you and chad that night
SoCcerGurrl493: you are a sorry ecscuse for a human bean
OzzieOsmosis: so dont act all high and mighty
OzzieOsmosis: bubnick KNOWS ALL…bubnick SEES ALL
SoCcerGurrl493: you didnt see anything
OzzieOsmosis: WELL IM TELLING THE WHOLE SCHOOL I DID
SoCcerGurrl493: dont you dare
OzzieOsmosis: i WILL
OzzieOsmosis: im gonna get to school early
OzzieOsmosis: then im gonna cut steves jiblets out like he was a TURKEY!
SoCcerGurrl493: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

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